literary detective

So I've been going through old journals all morning searching for a poem I copied out of a poetry book at the ECC library. Typically, they are filled with a random mish mosh of "what I did today",quotes and passages I found relevant, phone numbers without names, to do lists, future resolutions, and the occasional artwork of my daughter, who found my pretty books so tempting. Here's an entry from April 1999:

But Mr. Matthews, I tell you anything
is better than this.
tears are better than this
Oh, and Miss Abbey Spritzer, I'm going
down,
come hither come hither
If I once ever said what I meant,
there was a problem
Anhedonia, she draws on my skin,
to maybe one day let the light in.
I've gone so far, I've come right back,
to fill up every hole that I lack
to fill up every hole that I lack
So I heard there's power in my youth
I won't see it till I'm caught up in it,
then it fades fades away
Emily looked back on her family, on
her life- the way I'll look back on
my time now, on my youth now


This entry is totally fucking with me because I can't tell if I wrote it or copied it. Here are my thoughts:

-I almost always credited the source if I copied something, in case i wanted to reference it later
-I was obsessed with the word and the condition, anhedonia. blogger is telling me it is not a word
-It would have been so like me, in a Tori Amos inspired way, to throw in odd names like Mr. Matthews, Miss Abbey Spritzer, and Emily ("Sniffing on a Sharpie pen, honey, it's Bill and Ben")
but I have no idea who those people are. but it's also common for me to find references to people I can't remember in my journals.
-It was and still is very much my style to repeat lines twice but I'm sure this can be said of a lot of people. Same goes for beginning lines with "but" or "oh".
-The sentiment, especially about youth, is ridiculously close to my own
-If it's not mine, I need to meet this person