Phenomenon

So I always get nostalgic with that song
But in my room it's forced
It has to be in some car across the street. -Big Wreck


It never fails... whenever I hear Nine Inch Nails' Closer on the radio, I only catch the very end. You know, the lengthy instrumental part. Any one else experience this? It's frustrating because it's so fun to sing "You make me perfect.." along with Trent. I suppose I could just throw the cd in but... it's just not as satisfying. There is something about unintentionally hearing a song you love.

literary detective

So I've been going through old journals all morning searching for a poem I copied out of a poetry book at the ECC library. Typically, they are filled with a random mish mosh of "what I did today",quotes and passages I found relevant, phone numbers without names, to do lists, future resolutions, and the occasional artwork of my daughter, who found my pretty books so tempting. Here's an entry from April 1999:

But Mr. Matthews, I tell you anything
is better than this.
tears are better than this
Oh, and Miss Abbey Spritzer, I'm going
down,
come hither come hither
If I once ever said what I meant,
there was a problem
Anhedonia, she draws on my skin,
to maybe one day let the light in.
I've gone so far, I've come right back,
to fill up every hole that I lack
to fill up every hole that I lack
So I heard there's power in my youth
I won't see it till I'm caught up in it,
then it fades fades away
Emily looked back on her family, on
her life- the way I'll look back on
my time now, on my youth now


This entry is totally fucking with me because I can't tell if I wrote it or copied it. Here are my thoughts:

-I almost always credited the source if I copied something, in case i wanted to reference it later
-I was obsessed with the word and the condition, anhedonia. blogger is telling me it is not a word
-It would have been so like me, in a Tori Amos inspired way, to throw in odd names like Mr. Matthews, Miss Abbey Spritzer, and Emily ("Sniffing on a Sharpie pen, honey, it's Bill and Ben")
but I have no idea who those people are. but it's also common for me to find references to people I can't remember in my journals.
-It was and still is very much my style to repeat lines twice but I'm sure this can be said of a lot of people. Same goes for beginning lines with "but" or "oh".
-The sentiment, especially about youth, is ridiculously close to my own
-If it's not mine, I need to meet this person

what old journal entries reveal

“If language is not correct, then what is said is not what is meant; if what is said is not what is meant, then what must be done remains undone; if this remains undone, morals and art will deteriorate; if justice goes astray, the people will stand about in helpless confusion. Hence there must be no arbitrariness in what is said. This matters above everything.”

That was written on the chalkboard on the first day of my 7th grade English class. I always thought Mr. Porter made it up. Just discovered it was Confucius. Must not have been paying attention. My bad.

For the record, the next time I make a grand statement such as, " I think it's creepier when men date significantly younger women than when women date significantly younger men" and someone asks "Why?", I am simply going to respond... "because". (little smiley face here)